Spandex and Rump Roasts

I had a rather interesting lunch experience today with a new colleague, who we will call Ham, that only served to reaffirm why eating a sack lunch and reading a book ain't so bad.  There was a Student Appreciation event going on....so being the mooches caring people we are, we went for the free food support.  Ahem, anyway...we waddled through the line, overly critical of the offerings, making uncomfortable small talk.

Ham:  Oh good, they have pasta salad.

Me:  I love a good pasta salad.

Ham:  Yeah.....

Me:  Yeah...great things happen....with noodle salad...at parks.... (voice trailing)...

Ham:  Did you say something?

Me:  No. 

We sat down to enjoy our definitely-not-hamburger hamburgers just as some volleyball players came in with their bouncy ponytails and very-very-Hooter-esque spandex shorts.  Now, I risk sounding like an old lady here....but my heavens....those girls could not have pulled those up any higher or made them any shorter.  Dare I say, they needed to put some clothes on.  I PLAYED volleyball, so spare me, I get it, but this was ridiculous. 

Ham:  How do they do that?

Me:  What?

Ham:  Wear that....They must be very self-confident.

Me:  Because they are wearing spandex shorts?!

Ham:  Yeah, in here, with US!  (Like we're in a no spandex zone or something)

Me:  That's what they wear....Its sort of....the uniform.

Ham:  Its because they're tall and thin.  That's why they can do it.  That's why they must be okay with it.

Me:  (outside) Uhuh.... (inside) Okay....WHAT?! Yep....HAM...spandex + tall + volleyball = confident.

Now, I've been at this job for all of about 2 seconds, so I'm trying to be nice, and be social, and composed and be open to other people opinions .....all of which I am NOT in real life.  So I decide that the Battle of the Spandex is not worth it.  Moving on....

Another co-worker sitting with us, CS, asks Ham if he would like some ice cream.  

Ham:  Ohhhh....no....I can't eat ice cream after I eat anything with ketchup.

Me:  (outside) Wow...why is that?  (inside)  Baaaaahahahahahahaha!

Ham:  My stomach turns.

Me: (making amazing small talk as usual)  Yeah, I'm the same way with ham.

I HATE ham....cubed ham that is.  Can't eat it...can hardly look at it. 

(I know, I know, I don't have room to judge on the ketchup thing but who's even reading this?)

Ham (the person) proceeds to talk about how he used to work at a local meet processing facility...we will call it.... Hornell.  While he was at Hornell, he saw the whole process....hanging the pigs upside down, stunning them, stabbing them and watching them bleed out...cutting them up.....THE WHOLE THING.  Well, HAM decides to tell us ALL about this.  I'm halfway through my Definitely-Not-Hamburger hamburger and I can't do it.  I can't take it.

Ham:  Yeah, its crazy....they just stick em in the neck and let all the blood drain.

Me:  cough...cough...gag

CS:  What do they do with the blood?! (super into it as she takes another bite of her D-N-H Hamburger)

Ham:  They sell it to colleges and universities.  Research.  Pigs and humans are actually very similar.

Me: (outside) Wow....(inside) As made more and more clear by YOU today sir.

Ham:  Yeah.....this is where they get bacon (pointing on his body), this is pork chops, this is rump roast (as he stands up and points at his butt)....

CS:  So how do you even eat stuff?

Ham:  I pretty much just block those 2 years out of my mind....

Me: cough....cough....gag gag gag Well, I better go.  Its been great....eating with you.

Ham:  Yeah, hey, if you ever figure out that spandex-volleyball thing.....

Me:  ....yeah...what?  yeah......(as I shuffle to the trash can to dispose of my 1/2 eaten meal and my appetite)

Now, WHAT THE HELL people?!  I know I'm not innocent in this train wreck of a conversation but COME ON!  THIS is what people talk about?!  Educated people....people with JOBS and FAMILIES...Spandex and rump roast?!  Seriously?!  I thought I sucked at starting conversation....but this guy talks about booties and blood in a matter of 10 minutes! 

Tomorrow....I will gladly enjoy my PB&J, a Diet Coke, and some words of wisdom from the pages of a book.  Ham can impart HIS wisdom elsewhere....