Mini-van....MEGA-loathe

My recent job change has led to nearly doubled travel time, not to mention the trips back and forth to let the dogs out (and avoid poop mines on the floor), and to the gym (to avoid what I now call a Supersized McButt...no thank you).  In my auto-adventures, minor annoyances have morphed into full-fledged
"CURSINGWHOTHEFUCKDOYOUTHINKYOUAREICAN'TTAKEIT"s. 

And at the top of my list?  Minivans.

First, a few questions...

Why do we need a vehicle that can hold 12 people, has 4 TVs, and could be inhabited for days if necessary?  Do we REALLY want to spend that much time together in close quarters?  REALLY?!

How is it that innocent 20 and 30-somethings who know exactly how lame these vehicles are...somehow find their way to a dealership and inevitably fall victim to what must be some damn good marketing/perks and sooner or later, try to convince ME that "they aren't so bad."  They roll up in their meth-mom pimp mobile and try to tell ME about the FEATURES of such a fine automobile.  In their best robot-brainwashed voice, "Come on....you know you want automatic sliding doors and captains chairs.  TRY it."

Who decided that packing as many people into one vehicle was SAFE....and more importantly, a FEATURE of owning such a vehicle.  I don't know about you, but when I travel, I do not have the policy of "the more the merrier."  Who actually WANTS 12 people in 1 car?!  If there were a vehicle that only had the capacity to hold 1 person....I would own it.  Hence my unending desire to own a motorcycle.  

How do car companies come up with these model names anyway?  A quick soiree into minivan research reveals the following names:

Odyssey (Remember Homer's "The Odyssey"?!  Its about a guys ridiculously long and difficult journey home.  It took him 10 YEARS.  YEARS people!  You may fantasize about being a Greek hero, but seriously, is THAT how you want to travel?)

Sienna (A quick check of wikipedia says sienna means baby poop brown.  Okay, maybe not.  But Sienna was always the unused, totally sharpened Crayon left in the box after years of creative abandon.  All the other colors were mangled and broken.  Not Sienna, nope, sienna was the ugly stubborn whore of the whole box.  And seriously, will you ever look at a brown minivan the same?)





Caravan  (You got that right!  Bring in the circus of ungrateful, spoiled kids and blinky, squeaky toys and  empty McDonald's bags and greasy haired meth soccer moms!  The more the merrier, remember?)






Town and Country (Meaning, this vehicle belongs in a "Town," ahem...Council Bluffs and the "Country," ahem... Council Bluffs.  So versatile, so adaptable!  Wear do I sign?!)







Entourage  (Seriously?  The only entourage that will be riding in a minivan will be the aforementioned spoiled kids, whiny soccer brats, or drunk teenagers who borrowed mom and dads wagon for a night on the town.)




Quest  (Definitely.  I'm on a quest to get rid of these fucking things.  If I could eliminate one thing on this planet, it would be minivans.  Cholera you say?  World hunger?  NOPE....minivans.)




Moving right along.....I have to address a few specifics that trip my trigger and make me want to bang my head on the steering wheel. 

1.  "Baby On Board" Signs in the window. 

WE GET IT.  YOU'RE A MOM.  YOU HAVE KIDS IN THE BEAST OF A VEHICLE YOU ARE DRIVING.  I'm glad you put that sign in the window.  I would have been completely obviously, considering there are car seats visible from every angle, cartoons playing on the drop-down screens to lull your kids into submission, and 4 pairs of baby shoes hanging from your rearview.  Is advertising really necessary?

2.  Cartoon depictions of the whole family on the windshield. 

Now when I say, "whole family" I don't mean mom, dad a little boy.  NOOooooo.  We have to see creepy smiling depictions of mom, dad, Sally, Bobby, Ricky, Betty Sue, Emily, Jean (who everyone calls JJ), Wade, Cleatus, Angel and Chastity (who are twins of course).  Not to mention the ever-fluctuating amount of household pets whose charicatures wrap around the entire vehicle.

3.  Religious/Political Bumper Stickers.

I don't like this sort of thing on ANY vehicle, but it seems particularly intrusive of my driving space when all I see are "Honk if you love Jesus" and "Coexist" painted all over the behemoth you're rockin. 

4.  Trying to "soup up the ride." 

Adding pimped out rims and a spoiler to a minivan is like putting a sequin bikini and some fake eyelashes on a hairy construction worker.  WE CAN STILL SEE WHAT IT REALLY IS.  Be cool....or drive a minivan.  You can't have both. 

Final thoughts....

Remember people.  There is a very thin line that exists between "Soccer Mom Minivan" and "Child Molester Creepy Van".  Beware of the windowless van.  BEWARE....BEWARE!!!

Hence...my proposal... to purge society of minivans.  Who's with me!?!